i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
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Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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