Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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