you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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