we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Randomize
