Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
