Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
