i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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