Barsexuality is the new black.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize