Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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