I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
