worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
