hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
