apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
