I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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