Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
