so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
