Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
