you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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