when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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