walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
