I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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