His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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