First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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