i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
