Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
