just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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