how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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