Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
