lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
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That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
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I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize