drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
