you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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