I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
