at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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