His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
