I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
