tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
