rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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