shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
