Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
