just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
