Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
