Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
