hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My cat gives me a boner
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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