Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
