Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize