I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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