I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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