That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
