So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
