I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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