toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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