remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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