remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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