my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
