please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
