It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
