The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
